


I'll carry you the whole way

by swallowthewhale



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: a kind of what-if for season 4, caitlin comes home, which while most likley be au come september
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-29 06:12:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11434815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swallowthewhale/pseuds/swallowthewhale
Summary: Caitlin comes home to make amends, re-forge her relationships, and turn herself in to the police. Cisco is not pleased with the last part.





	1. Chapter 1

The perimeter alarm goes off and Cisco absently slaps his hand down on the papers next to him as he continues to give Wally directions. When no woosh of air follows the alarm, he looks up and gapes at the person in the doorway. He jumps when Wally yells in his ear, and turns back to the computer, types quickly while giving Wally instructions, then turns off the mics. 

He gets up slowly, eyes fixed on her, and walks over hesitantly.

“Caitlin?”

She looks the same as she did at H.R.’s funeral, with white blond hair, brown eyes, and a dark red lipstick. She even has the same jacket on. But the way she holds herself, a little more shyly than Killer Frost ever did, reminds Cisco of the first time she showed up on his doorstep after the accelerator exploded. He takes another step forward.

She opens her mouth, closes it, and looks away.

Then, she says, “I need your help.”

Cisco sighs, runs a hand through his messy hair, but nods.

Caitlin twists her hands together, like she always used to do when she was nervous. They both flinch when Wally skids to a stop in the middle of the cortex. He blinks at them for a second, then beams, striding towards them.

“Caitlin!”

She smiles weakly and Cisco frowns a little, shaking his head.

Wally changes course suddenly and waves as he trots off. “I’m going to find some food.”

“He seems to be handling things well,” Caitlin comments, and Cisco turns his back as he goes back to the computer.

“It’s a good day.”

He sits down and looks up at her expectantly.

“Well? What do you need help with?”

She takes a deep breath, her knuckles white where her hands are clenched. “I want to turn myself in.”

Cisco’s head jerks up and he stares at her, face unreadable, before snapping, “No.”

Caitlin frowns. “It’s the right thing to do. I went evil. Evil metas get arrested. I deserve it.”

Cisco pushes his chair back and stalks past her down the hall. She follows him down to the pipeline and watches as he slaps his hand on the control panel. The doors to one of the cells opens.

“There,” he says. “You want to be locked up, you can go in there.”

Caitlin edges back from the door. “That’s not what I meant,” she says coolly, but her hands are shaking.

“No,” he growls. “You just want to give yourself up to the police, let them convict you and send you to meta-prison, where you never might get out. You want to ruin your career and your life because of something you couldn’t control.”

Caitlin looks away. “What about Barry? I want to know what he thinks.”

Cisco’s hand slips from the control panel. He feels a little sick. “Barry’s gone. Which you would know if you hadn’t left.”

Caitlin turns to look at him, and for the first time, really sees him. He’s wearing the bottom half of his Vibe costume and a t-shirt that’s wrinkled and dirty. His hair is falling out of a ponytail and there are lines in his face that didn’t used to be there. He looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. He looks like he’s fading away.

She takes a step forward. “Gone where?”

“The Speed Force. He had to take Jay’s place in the speedster prison.”

Another two steps and she could reach out and touch him. “He’s in the Speed Force prison?”

“We can’t get him out this time. We tried.”

Caitlin takes the last step and slides her fingers around his wrist. He chokes on a sob. There were days, after Ronnie died, when Caitlin couldn’t bear to be touched. And Cisco would sit next to her on the couch, his fingers on her wrist, and they would watch whatever was on TV at three in the morning.

Cisco shuffles closer to lean his head on her shoulder and Caitlin wraps her arms around him and thinks she never should have left.

 

_ So they left you in their wake _

_ Blood spilled, jewels upon a pavement _

_ Trampled your tresses _

_ And the mess that you became _


	2. Chapter 2

“You should go home,” Caitlin says when her arm starts to go numb. “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

Cisco shifts but doesn’t lift his head. “You saying I don’t look good?” His voice is rough and thick.

“You look like shit,” Caitlin says flatly and Cisco huffs out a laugh.

“Okay, fine, I haven’t been sleeping well.” He gets up with a groan.

Caitlin raises an eyebrow. “Have you been going home at all?”

Cisco offers his hand and pulls her up. “There’s a lot going on.” He starts to turn away.

She catches his elbow. “You actually need sleep to live, Cisco. You’ll go crazy without it.”

He sighs in defeat. “If I go home, will you come with me?” He hurries to clarify, “I don’t want you running off to the police station while I’m sleeping.”

Caitlin rolls her eyes. “I could have turned myself in at any point in the past three months. I came to see you first for a reason.”

Cisco shifts uncomfortably, but doesn’t ask the question that’s clearly on his mind. “Let’s go, then,” he mutters instead.

Cisco is quiet on the ride to his apartment, and Caitlin can tell the minute they step through the door that Cisco has been spending most of his time at Star Labs since she left. The same sweatshirt she wore the last time they had a movie night is still hanging over the back of the couch, and the DVD case for “Jurassic Park” is on the coffee table.

Cisco hands her a towel and tries to quickly clean up while she showers. They trade places and Caitlin sits cross-legged on the end of Cisco’s bed wearing one of his t-shirts while towel drying her hair, staring at the photo of them on his dresser. It’s from Christmas, and they’re leaning into each other with wide smiles, Cisco’s arm around her shoulders. There’s a little bit of snow still drifting in from the windows and what Caitlin wouldn’t give to be happy like that again. That night is like a soft, still spot in the chaos and madness and pain of the past year.

“I still have the necklace, if you want it,” Cisco says from the doorway. “I fixed it, but it’s just a necklace now.”

He’s looking at her in the way that always makes her feel exposed. She used to live for the moments he looked at her like that. It made her feel alive and loved, like she was real and not just living in a dream. Now it just makes her feel confused. Is she still the person that look is meant for?

“I don’t actually want to go to prison, you know,” she says abruptly.

Cisco stiffens a bit, but walks over to sit next to her, resting his elbows on his knees. “Then why?”

She fiddles with the towel. “I want to try to clear my name, I guess. I feel like I need to take responsibility for what I did, and try to make reparations so that I don’t have to be scared of getting arrested all the time. Isn’t being on the run worse than being convicted?”

Cisco rubs his face. “Okay.”

She turns toward him, startled. “Okay?”

“Okay, I’ll help you.”

Caitlin doesn’t know what to say, so she reaches over and squeezes his hand instead.

“We’ll talk to Joe and Cecile in the morning.”

She nods, feeling absurdly like she’s going to cry.

Cisco’s face softens, he turns his hand to lace their fingers together. “I’d do anything for you Cait, okay?”

She nods again, her throat closed up.

“Let’s go to bed.”

 

_ Sure thought you were all right _

_ When the winter turned your river to thin ice _

_ And you've been lonely, I can see it _

_ Sunken in your eyes _


	3. Chapter 3

Caitlin sits on Cisco’s couch, tucked between him and the arm of the couch, in a way that makes her feel a little claustrophobic, but mostly safe. She’s been twisting her fingers together hard enough that they’re red and a little sore. She can’t stop though, because it’s maybe the only thing keeping her from vomiting under the sharp eyes of Joe and Cecile, who are conferring quietly with Wally and Iris across the room. It doesn’t escape her notice that Julian isn’t there, but she doesn’t want to ask.

Iris’ face is cool and closed off, now, instead of the warm, welcoming look she’d always had about her, before. She walks over to Caitlin, though, and says, “I’m glad you came back.”

Caitlin’s breath catches in her throat and she swallows hard. “I’m so sorry, Iris.”

Iris’ face softens. “You can’t change the past,” she says. “Only the future.” Caitlin has a feeling Iris has been telling herself that a lot.

She meets Iris’ eyes. “Part of changing the future is making amends. And I am sorry. It’s hard to explain why I did it, or how I was feeling, but all I can say is that I swear I will never intentionally hurt anyone again.”

Iris’ mouth quirks up into a smile. “Unless they deserve it, I hope.”

Caitlin stares at her, momentarily confused, before she returns the tiny smile.

“Well, then,” Cecile says. “I’m going to have to talk to the mayor, since you’ve become pretty high profile, but I think I can offer you a good plea deal.”

“Cecile, I-.”

She holds up her hand. “Don’t. I don’t know what was going on with you, or why you did what you did, but you’re trying to make up for it, and that’s what counts.”

“I kidnapped you. I held you hostage and threatened to kill you,” Caitlin says quietly.

Cecile meets her eyes. “You didn’t hurt me. And… I remember you from before you became Killer Frost. You’re a good person, Caitlin, even if you’ve done some questionable things. I’m willing to give you a second chance.”

Caitlin grips Cisco’s hand, hard. “Why are you all being so nice to me?”

“Because we love you,” Wally says, grinning a little. “You’re family.”

She bites her lip, and Cisco squeezes her hand.

“Do you have a lawyer?” Cecile asks.

Caitlin starts to shake her head, but Cisco elbows her in the side. “Yes, she does,” he says.

Caitlin frowns at him. “I do?”

He winks. “She’s going to meet you at the courthouse later for your bail hearing.”

Caitlin’s mouth feels paper-dry. “That’s today?”

Joe takes pity on her and sits on the edge of the coffee table in front of her. “We want to get you through the system as quickly as possible. The faster it is, the less attention you’ll get and the less time you’ll have to spend in jail.” He pats her hand. “You did a good thing, coming back.”

Caitlin blinks back tears and commands herself not to cry.

Joe stands. “I’ll give you guys a minute, but I’ll have to take you in for processing, Caitlin.”

She nods, looking past him at the opposite wall. _Don’t cry._ Wally pats her shoulder on the way out, and Iris brushes her hand across Caitlin’s.

“I’m going to write an article about Killer Frost turning herself in, if that’s okay with you,” Iris says quietly. “I’m not going to go easy on you, but I want people to see that metas aren’t all evil, and that they can be redeemed.”

 _Don’t cry._ Caitlin offers a shaky smile. “Thank you, Iris.”

Iris smiles back and follows Wally out.

Cisco rests his hand on her wrist. “I’ll be at your bail hearing, okay? I don’t know how much the judge will ask for, but we’ll do our best to get you out.”

Caitlin scrubs at her cheeks to make sure they’re dry. “You don’t have to do that. I can spend a few days in jail.”

He raises an eyebrow. “You, who hates to wear the same thing two days in a row and insists on putting on makeup everyday to see the same six people? You’re going to be okay with wearing an orange jumpsuit and showering with a bunch of strangers?”

She rolls her eyes. “Cisco.”

His face turns serious. “C’mon, Cait, let me help you. That’s what you came back for, wasn’t it?”

Caitlin can feel herself give in. “Yes, okay. But I’m going to pay you back.”

Cisco waves her off. “Don’t even. I’ve made a lot of money off that power dampener patent. Palmer Tech wants to produce and sell it, for police and prisons and metas who have really obnoxious powers and all that.”

She swallows down the lump in her throat. “What would I do without you?”

Cisco grins. “You’d be at a nice, comfy job in Mercury Labs dating some guy who looks like Steve Rogers but with, like, three PhDs.”

Caitlin shoves him. _Don’t cry._ “Shut up.”

 

_So you'd almost made up your mind_

_In that room where every shadow had a sharp side_

_No doors or windows_

_Almost thought you wouldn't make it through the night_


	4. Chapter 4

“The defendant, Caitlin Snow, is charged with one count of criminal trespass in the first degree and two counts of obstructing a law enforcement officer. How does the defendant plead?”

Caitlin’s attorney, who Cisco had introduced as Joanna, Laurel Lance’s old law firm partner, stands. “Guilty, Your Honor.”

The judge eyes Caitlin over the top of her glasses. “As per the terms of the plea deal, the defendant will pay restitution in the amount of $1000, and is sentenced to thirty days of community service and one year of probation. During the probationary period, the defendant is compelled to obey all laws, abide by any court orders, report regularly to a probation officer, and refrain from travel without prior permission.” She bangs her gavel. “Dismissed.”

Caitlin turns, still a little nauseous, to shake Joanna’s hand. Joanna hugs her instead. “We’ll go over to the probation office to get you set up later. Let’s get lunch first, though, because I’m starving.”

Behind her, Cisco is beaming. He holds a hand out to her, and she goes through the gate to let him hug her.

“What about kidnapping Julian and Cecile?” Wally asks, curious but not harsh.

Iris elbows him in the stomach. “Shhh,” she hisses.

“Apparently Julian refused to testify and Cecile never told anyone,” Caitlin says, feeling a little faint.

“You did it,” Cisco says in her ear and she finally, finally feels the lead dissipate from her stomach, where it’s been heavy for the past week. He squeezes her hand.

“Let’s go eat,” Joanna says, and herds the whole group to the pizza place across from the courthouse.

Iris asks Caitlin and Joanna rapid-fire questions while they wait for the pizza to come. To Caitlin’s relief, Joanna easily handles the legal questions, and Iris only asks Caitlin why she decided to turn herself in.

“My deadline is tonight,” Iris explains. “I want to get as much in as I can. Would you mind talking later, Caitlin? I can focus more on the legal aspects and the implication for other metas, but it would be amazing if you could answer some questions.”

Caitlin nods without thinking. 

“I’d like to be there for that,” Joanna says. “I don’t want you getting yourself into more trouble.” She winks at Iris. “Not that I think you’re out to get her or anything.”

Iris wrinkles her nose. “As if.”

“Hey guys,” Cisco interrupts. “If you don’t take some pizza now, Wally’s going to eat it all.”

Wally looks up guiltily from his third slice. Caitlin laughs. It’s finally starting to feel like home again.

Cisco is wearing glasses and his pajamas, sitting on the couch playing a videogame, when Caitlin gets home late after the interview with Iris turns into dinner and a long heart-to-heart.

“Welcome home.” Cisco grins over his shoulder, quickly flipping through the menu to pause his game. “How’d it go?”

Caitlin drops into a chair, curls her legs underneath herself, and pulls a throw pillow into her lap. “It was actually really good. We talked a lot, about Ronnie and Barry, and being Killer Frost.” 

“At H.R.’s funeral,” Cisco says slowly, like he’s been thinking about it all day. “You said you’re not Caitlin anymore, or Killer Frost. I never asked, can I still call you Caitlin?”

Caitlin takes a deep breath. She can tell by the cautious look in his eyes that he’ll be crushed if she says no. Crushed, but he would do it. He’d call her whatever name she asked him to, if it means she’s staying. If it means she’s still his friend. “I’ve been Caitlin my whole life,” she says. “You can still call me that.”

Cisco frowns a little. “But is that what you want to be called?”

She looks away, focuses on the TV screen. “I don’t think I said it quite right, at the cemetery. It’s not that I’m not Caitlin or Killer Frost, it’s more like I’m both, now. Before there was no balance between the two, but now I have balance and control, and I know that what gave Killer Frost all the control was not dealing with my emotions.”

“I know a really good therapist,” Cisco says.

Caitlin laughs a little, even though it wasn’t a joke. “I’ve actually been seeing someone for the past few months. Thank you, though.”

He nods.

“So, no, I don’t hate the name Caitlin.” She smiles crookedly. “Not like Killer Frost from Earth-2 did. But for a while I guess I felt like Caitlin was gone, until I found her again. Does that make sense?”

“Not really, but in a weird way, yeah, it does.” Cisco stretches his arm out and makes grabby hands at her until she sits down next to him.

Caitlin takes a deep breath, curls her fingers around his wrist so she can feel his heartbeat, reassuring and steady. “I can’t believe I tried to kill you. Cisco, I’m so sorry.”

Cisco is looking at her fondly, though. “What’s a little attempted murder between friends?”

Caitlin tightens her hold on his arm. “Cisco, I’m being serious.”

“I know.” He bumps his shoulder against hers. “You’re always going to be my best friend.”

“I can’t believe you’re forgiving me so quickly,” she says quietly. “I never expected that.”

Cisco shrugs. “I trust you. And I trust your control over your powers. If you say you’re not going to hurt anyone again, I believe you.”

She doesn’t know what to say to that. After a while, Cisco goes back to his game, keeping his hands still so he doesn’t jostle her.

“Hey,” she says.

“Mhmm?”

She nudges him and he pauses the game again. 

“Do you remember what I said? While I was Killer Frost?”

Cisco raises his eyebrows. “You said a lot of things.”

“That I never loved any of you,” she says, in a small voice.

Cisco goes still. His heart skips a beat.

“It’s not true.”

He relaxes, sets down the controller so he can cover her hand with his. “You know how I feel about you, Cait,” he says, very, very gently.

Caitlin takes a deep breath, sees the warmth in his eyes, feels his heartbeat unwavering and alive under her fingers. “It’s going to take some time.”

He smiles. “I can wait.”

 

_ But when your river's running to red _

_ In case you're alone or forget _

_ I'll brave the waters _

_ So you won't have to _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think I'd send Caitlin to jail, did you? Thank you so much for reading, and you can find me @swallowthewhale on tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> This is a four chapter fic, and probably the longest I'll have written for Killervibe yet. I'm really interested in the idea of Caitlin wanting to clear her name, not just by making up for what she did with her friends, but also legally. And it's something that probably won't ever happen in canon, because they tend to go lightly on consequences. I'm also probably toeing the line a little with the characterization of the Caitlin/Killer Frost dynamic, which was not made very clear in the show, but hopefully it makes sense here.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Title and lyrics are from "Carry You" by Kaye and it's just so apropos for these two, you should really go listen to it.


End file.
